The Rawness of Living out Faith

I've decided to venture back into the blogosphere, this time more as a therapeutic means for myself. It is so much easier to keep the hard lessons of life and the harsh realities of life private, but then again there is something to purging it once in a while. I also know that we have some prayer warriors out there and knowing that our concerns could be covered in prayer is also reassuring.

Many of you already know, but others do not, that Matt and I are expecting to have another pip squeak enter into our home the end of February. We've been hoping to expand our family, but were unsuccessful earlier in the year as I had a miscarriage in the springtime. Knowing how difficult this was for us and how painful (yet cleansing) it was to talk about it, we've held off on our news of this little one.

It has been a trying few months for us - a roller coaster of emotions as complications have visited us once again. Thankfully our little one is doing well, heart is very strong and is already practicing dance moves, but I've developed an unwelcome visitor, a pooling of blood that seems to be getting bigger and threatening to detach the cozy little sac that junior is in. I of course am getting conflicting advice from the doctors here and the doctors back home as to what should be done. The doctors at home are saying that it's a waiting game and that there is no medicine that they would prescribe.

If there is one reoccurring theme God has been teaching me this year it's been living out faith and trusting in Him. These phrases get tossed around so much in our Christian culture that I forgot what it meant to actually live it. He has put me in positions of complete helplessness forcing me to grow in these areas. It's not fun. It's painful. It's scary. There are times of hopelessness. And then, there are times of reassurance.

Yesterday, we decided to go to church even though it wasn't Christmas or Easter. (A whole other topic I won't go into on this one) Since I only can gather a fraction of what is being said and my attention span of a church service is a maximum of an hour and a half vs. three hours, I started to just read my Bible. I was thankful God honored this and he began filling me with peace with lots of verses from Psalms. One that stuck out to me particularly was Psalm 112:7 "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." Some may take this as God rescuing us from bad situations - if only we will trust in Him. That if bad things happen then we must not have had the right amount of faith. But God spoke to me differently. In my own paraphrasing (because I've yet to actually hear God in a loud voice) he told me "Sarah, you have much fear that bad news is coming. If you would trust in all that I am... that I am all that you need... that I alone will satisfy your every desire, then you will have no fear of bad news. No matter the outcome, you will be filled in every way."

Do I have this kind of trust and faith? Absolutely not. So where is the peace? In knowing that my God is able and wanting to get me to that point.

Our time here in Ukraine is coming to an end. Many have asked what will be next, and quite honestly we haven't a clue. Once again we find ourselves in our helpless state of living in trust. Due to the economic hardships that many organizations have encountered, Matt will not be returning to a position with Global Action. The realities of a monthly mortgage and other bills and needed doctors visits will be coming quickly.

So why do I feel the need to post something so uplifting? It is definitely not to make you feel sorry for us or especially not to ask for any financial help. In fact, those are two reasons why we tend to keep these hard times to ourselves. Maybe it's pride... call it what you may. But God has really been speaking to me lately about taking that step of faith that first requires becoming vulnerable. If I truly believe that He is going to do something through all of this, and hopefully most of that will be changing my mindset and heart, I need to first let you know what He has to start with. I don't want to hold back glory given to God through any of these circumstances, so here I am being vulnerable. We love you all enough that we want you to be a part of the bad as well as the good. Please lift us up with your prayers as we are more human than we want to be.