Yet another new skill

Last week I talked about improving my newly-learned stick welding skills, but last night I have found another equally important and gratifying talent that I plan to foster - building the perfect bonfire.  You would think that this would be fairly simple and under the right circumstances, maybe it is.  However, as the situation changes, the level of difficulty is increased.

Last night Jim and I got very close to building the perfect bonfire.  I gauge this based on the following criteria:

1.  Initial appearance - Is the wood situated and presented in such a way as to make people think, "I can't wait to see that burn!"

2.  Starting explosion - Obviously for a high "wowy" effect, this must involve some sort of flammable liquid.  It also must be accomplished on cue with a relatively low degree of hand/facial hair singeing.  

3.  Speed of actual burn expansion - After the starter fuel burns off, has the pile of wood been sufficiently and evenly ignited?

4.  Peak flame size and ferocity - Once the majority of the pile is ignited, does the flame impress?

5.  Watchability - This is hard to quantify but it involves the amount of smoke and its direction, interesting variation within the flame, sound of the burn, etc.

6.  Aesthetically pleasing pile collapse - When the constructed pile structure does burn down, does it collapse in a way that keeps people around the fire or does it signal the end of the event?  Either is fine but it must correspond to the mood and intention of the event.

7.  Quality burn time vs. planned event time - Does the length of good flame and light (assuming a night burn) correspond to the period alloted to whatever celebration necessitated a bonfire?

Last night's fire was tricky in that we had very little dry wood (2 days of rain and short notice) and we had to coordinate through a language barrier with the clown (that's right, I said clown) who would be lighting the fire.  This meant that we needed prodigious amounts of fuel for ignition (long-burning diesel for the structure itself and gasoline for the "lighting trail" and initial explosion) but had to apply it in such a way as to not allow the gas to evaporate completely or kill the aforementioned clown.

All-in-all the structure did very well, keeping it's pyramid shape for nearly the entire 45 minute program.  It showered a respectable amount sparks into the night sky while burning passionately to backlight the performance - which included breakdancing... so you can't beat that.

The only complaint was that we lacked any dry "transition material" that would be well lit by the diesel but burn impressively for a few minutes until the kindling got in the act... cardboard would have been ideal.  As it was, the diesel caught nicely but then receded a little too much before the rest of the pile really started crackling.  Oh well, lesson learned.

Seriously, this is ridiculous dissertation.  Am I over-thinking this?  Any suggestions?