Election Satire

I think I've decided to put a moratorium on serious election-related posts barring some massive unforeseen event (I get the arguing out of my system over at my Uncle's blog).  I will instead try for satirical pieces that are hopefully more readable and better for everyone's blood pressure.

This clip is from righty blogger Iowahawk who does some great satirical news posts.  There's a good chance that some of you won't agree with the sentiment but you have to admit that it's funny.  The best line is where he talks about not excluding voters based on their "existential status." It's in bold as my line of the day. I repeat, this is satire.  Some of the numbers and concepts come from actual stories but most is rubbish.

ST. LOUIS - Attorneys for the voting registration organizations ACORN and Project Vote filed an anti-discrimination voting rights suit in the U.S. Federal District court this morning, alleging the United States government is involved in "a widespread, systematic effort to disenfranchise Imaginary-Americans and deprive them of access to polls."

"Participation in our electoral process is a fundamental right, and the foundation of our democracy," said ASDF ASDFG, a spokesperson for the National Association for the Advancement of Imaginary People, one of the groups named as plaintiffs in the class action. "We will not be silent when government denies people access to the polls on the basis of color, or sex, or existential status."

The new suit was prompted by on a series of law enforcement raids of ACORN offices in 10 states over the past week, as well as a reported Justice Department investigation. Federal and state officials say they were acting on tips of fraudulent voter registration forms, after election officials reported a flood of unusual applications submitted by ACORN canvassers. In Las Vegas the Clarke County election commission reported thousands of registrations signed by the Dallas Cowboys, while in St. Louis officials discovered thousands of others signed by Power Rangers, Menudo, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In Cleveland, Ohio Republican officials complained to the Federal Election Commission after early-voting sites barred observers when thousands of Invisible-Ohioans arrived at the polls aboard hundreds of invisible ACORN buses. In Ida Grove, Iowa, Ida County Registrar Debby Ballard expressed concern when a convoy of Chicago ACORN semis submitted 4,000,000 provisional ballots, 17 seconds before a 5 pm deadline.

"I'm proud that Ida County can boast of a 114,312% voter registration rate, but I'm not sure if I can get all of them processed by Monday," said Ballard. "I've got a pilates class in Sioux City."

After the raids, ACORN officials initially blamed the problems on rogue volunteers.

"We are in the midst of our most successful signup ever, registering over 7 trillion new voters in the last week alone," said ACORN spokesman Charles Jackson. "It's impossible to have 100% quality control, and a few misspellings might have fallen through the cracks."

On Tuesday, ACORN said it would dismiss any workers suspected of fraud, and would outsource 40% of voter registration jobs to Banglore Registration Industries.

"The quality control is better in India, and we can save over $35 per metric ton," noted Jackson.

After consultation with attorneys, however, ACORN -- which has received $800,000 from the Obama campaign for registration efforts -- filed a suit claiming the increased legal scrutiny was driven by a political agenda. Amicus briefs were added from several Imaginary Rights groups, adding civil rights violations to the list of complaints.

"Whether we are obituary notices, hallucinatory giant rabbits, or strings of random keyboard strokes, it's time for the chimera community to stand up and claim our rights as citizens," said ASDFG. "We will no longer be silent and invisible. Okay, maybe invisible."

In addition to $3.2 jubajillion in damages and free federal mortgages for homeless spectres, the suit also seeks enforcement of the Americans with Dimensional Disabilities Act. The Act requires voting places to make accommodations for existentially-challenged voters who have trouble completing ballots written in standard 3-dimensional reality. The accommodations include multiple site registration, time travel, and allowances for alcoholics to cast ballots for dependent D.T. phantasms.

"Many of our community inhabit the Tapioca subluster of the 11th Dimension, and it's hard for them to find a convenient spacehole to make it to the local elementary school," explained ASDFG.

A ruling in the suit is expected later this week from St. Louis federal appelate judge Fwinklezorg the Hydragoat.