That aside, do you ever have those days when you feel like you're neither? What I mean is this... I'm in a spiritual rut. Foolishly, I think I subconsciously expected that upon becoming a "missionary," I would somehow miraculously be granted this amazing insight, faith and dedication. I guess I'm not shocked to discover after a few months that this isn't true, but my awareness of the situation doesn't seem to make it any better. To add insult to injury, in recent days I've been feeling increasingly that my list of things I do poorly or not at all is getting longer while my list of strengths is staying the same - short.
So the situation is this, I'm not growing like I want to be spiritually while I am simultaneously feeling less and less useful. Don't get me wrong, I love living in Ukraine. I am NOT second guessing having chosen to move here. Just the opposite, in fact. I feel like I am not currently serving them as well as they deserve and I need to correct this.
I really don't know why I decided to write these thoughts on our blog but I hear venting and sharing is cathartic. I must say it doesn't feel good at all to be this vulnerable...
Let me know what you think. Maybe you can solve all my problems with an insightful comment.
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Crazy delicious.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I noticed while in the Air Force was that no matter where I went, what I did, and no matter who I met, I still basically was the same person and had the same struggles as a person and spiritually. That is, my current situation didn't do anything to change that.
If you're in a rut, probably the best thing you can do is evaluate your Bible reading and prayer life. Also, if you're feeling "un-useful", just remember that all the kids will be coming soon. If I had to guess that's why you went and what you will get the most satisfaction from. Look forward to that...I bet during the times they are there you'll be more than useful and will also be loving every minute of it.
I am going to go through my Oasis podcasts -- I know Philip did a great message on this and I will email it to you if I can find it.
ReplyDeleteThis is the devil trying to put you down, I truly believe that. When I was feeling useless in my new life, someone told me that the greatest weapon the devil can use against a person's potential is the person's doubt about their direction, and as such, doubt about their potential.
How better to get you down than to lead you to focus on what you think you can't do well? Note that I said what you THINK you can't do well. It is a different world over there -- you have told us many times. You have a skill set that will meet needs they may not even know they have yet, and this may just be a time for re-evaluating the process. Maybe your spiritual rut is because of your 30 years of experiencing God in a much different society. (???)
I don't have magical words, but I do have the utmost faith in you (and in Sarah). I also know that I will pray specifically to that end -- that your spiritual seeking finds a way out of a box and just opens up a whole new road that is "rut-free" if you will.
Also, my word verification is "bjowfg" which I choose to define as:
Because Jesus zaps our world, failure goes (away). I had to add the last one to avoid any dangling modifiers.
Love you. T
"Cheer up: You're worse off than you figure." - Ten Shekel Shirt
ReplyDeleteI say "welcome to the club." Check out my new post on a similar topic.
vejyn - validating every joy you need